Author Archives: armuir

Sounding

At thirty, Lilah decided to return to the womb. She built a geodesic dome in the forest with a wood burning stove. She bought an old record player and a record called “Sounds of the Humpback Whale”. She played it … Continue reading

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Healing Center

The masseuse and the client quietly walked up the stairs in the old house until they came to the back bedroom turned treatment room. The uncovered window let in the slanted afternoon sunshine from Water St. where skateboarders and dogs … Continue reading

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Insurance Form

Graciela Insurance Group – Personal Injury Accident Witness Statement Name: Colin Mayhew Date of Birth: Aug. 10, 1967 Tel. Number: 415-555-8677 Job Title and Place of Employment: Data Analyst, Dryclean.com Location and Date of Accident: Highland Park Ice Rink, April … Continue reading

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The Teensy Lantern

“Miniatures, huh?” people in the office ask. “You know that they’re closing the Hobby Lobby down, right?” “Fuck the Hobby Lobby,” I say. “Those guys are dicks.” Sometimes people ask if the tiny lantern on my desk is a nightlight … Continue reading

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Nocha

Just now at the cafe, overheard  – “Hi, yeah, I just got this but it needs more mocha.” “So it needs more chocolate?” “No, mocha.” “So it needs coffee.” “No. It’s a mocha. What I’m saying is, it needs more … Continue reading

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Church and State

Violet (talking on pretend phone) “Oh, Broccoli Obama, it’s been so long since we talked!” **** Me: “Did the inside of the cathedral look like what you imagined?” Hazel: “Well, I thought the inside was made of candy.”

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Small Talk and Tales of Woe

We had a babysitter on Saturday night. Violet was trying very hard to impress her. Out of the blue she said, “By the way, do you like soup?” I’m gonna remember that one to insert into uncomfortable conversation gaps. This … Continue reading

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This Is Where I Almost Convince You That I Had To Buy the $350 Eye Cream

Violet put on a Christmas sweater this morning that her grandma gave to her 2 two years ago and unsurprisingly, it looked two years too small. Both of the girls began begging me for new Christmas sweaters and I told … Continue reading

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If I Made A Twitter Account

I’m sure that this already exists, but today I feel like I should write a Twitter Acct. called “Whitegirlproblems”. First Tweet: “Why can’t my yoga teacher stop misusing “literally”? Second Tweet: “The case on my iPhone 6 prevents me from … Continue reading

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Tattle Tales Are Not Ruining This City

I don’t know what it is about secondary daughters that makes for tattle tales (sorry Shannon) but I am really sick of Hazel being the police commissioner for all when she is the precinct’s most disruptive citizen by far. And … Continue reading

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