This weekend, Jack and I will be celebrating our sixteenth anniversary together. Incredible!
So, I have a babysitter around today so I can get some errands done and get myself a little less mommy-looking for our date.
I started out by going to the standard-city Vietnamese hole-in-the-wall nail salon around the corner from our house to get a manicure and pedicure. It’s the usual set up over there; wall mounted t.v. closed captioning the infomercials, weird disparate thrifted art pieces, christmas decorations, a buddhist shrine with fruit, incense, and a color-changing water fountain, and creepy room with old linoleum flooring in the back for waxing – just what you’d expect.
Except that today became uncommonly funny. It started out with my manicurist’s tee-shirt. On the shirt, “Kiss” was printed like the band Kiss where the esses actually look like zees, as in “KIZZ”, but the zees were double sized and so it read “Kizz my Azz”, where the zees did double duty for the word “Kizz” and “Azz”, and the “my” looked like it had been written in waxy red lipstick. Pretty awesome. Hopefully you can understand this description. There seems to be no images of this shirt on the internet. My guess is that it’s from Vietnam. And it set me off laughing to myself, because it seemed like a wildly intense statement for a day spa worker to be sporting.
Not that I would come off as any less of a rube if I happened to live and work in Vietnam, but every time I looked at “Kizz my Azz”, I would have to suppress a laugh, which got to tickling my throat, which in turn caused a fit of coughing as I am still getting over bronchitis, which in turn made it very hard for the manicurist to do my nails while my body was being wracked by suppressed illness and chuckling.
And then the music started.
It was some of the funniest and weirdest music I have ever heard, piped in on the crappy salon sound system. They were all covers of songs that I knew, but all the instrumentation had been redone in very sub-par synth, and it became immediately obvious that while the singers of the songs were singing in English, they had no knowledge of the language whatsoever and were merely mouthing memorized phonemes.
It was hysterical.
I made sure to remember all the songs as they came on and I recognized them. I want you to sing them to your self, but try very hard to get rid of all the correct phrasing and intonation and all “r” and “l” sounds that would make it sound like any English you have ever heard. Also funny: all cheesy slow jams.
1. Almost Paradise
2. Endless Love
3. Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong
4. The Way We Were
5. Theme Song to “Titanic”
6. Must Have Been Love (originally sung by Roxette (I am ashamed that I know this))
So I really did my best to be a polite and still customer, but it was very hard.
I followed up the spa appointment with one to see my doctor to deal with ongoing bronchitis. Advair, here we come.
So then I decided to do something else nice for myself and bought a bunch of clothes so I can look like vintage Anita Pallenberg all summer. I spent a tinch too much. Well more like a lot of tinches too much. Happy anniversary to me!