Randall & Me

Did ya ever see “Roger & Me”, Michael Moore’s first film about tracking down the CEO of GM?

Well this is called “Randall & Me”. See, I gotta bone to pick with the CEO of AT&T. I’ve X’d out our sensitive information to the public, because, hey, we’re not heading up any publicly traded companies or raking in over $27 million in compensation a year by screwing over the general public.

And in case you have a problem with Randall L. Stephenson, please, send him a certified letter in the post as I did. This really is his address. I checked tax records, even though it took me an awfully long time due to the internet at our house.

My letter is as follows:

Randall L. Stephenson, Chairman, CEO and President, AT&T Inc.
5404 Walnut Hill Ln.
Dallas, Texas 75229

Allison X. Xxxx & Jack X. Xxxxxxx
35 Xxxxxxx St.

August 3, 2011

Dear Mr. Stephenson,

I realize that the chances of you receiving, reading and reacting to this letter are close to nil. I write because your organization has stripped me of any orthodox options for resolving our issue. My husband, who works for Xxxxx regularly receives emails forwarded from Xxxxx Xxxx from customers who have encountered problems, and I have a slight hope that you aspire to be such a leader.

I would go to your house and camp out there personally but I have two young kids and Dallas in August isn’t exactly my idea of a good time. Also, I’m not naive enough to believe a man of your means is there either. Perhaps you’re at the Bohemian Grove or on Martha’s Vineyard. I do hope though that you’ll open this letter when you return home in September.

Earlier this month, after being AT&T customers for many years, we attempted to move our land line, internet and cell accounts to our new home less than two miles away.

First, we received a bizarre letter informing us that our credit could not be verified and that we may not be permitted to receive particular services. We have never been late in payment in over a decade of payments to AT&T and SBC and our credit scores are readily available through all 3 reporting agencies and are certifiably excellent. I check them monthly myself. I wonder how much ill-will and lost income is achieved through the sending of these outrageous notices.

Secondly, we noticed when we tried to connect our phones to the land lines in the house that there was no connection. It took speaking to over twenty of your customer service representatives to discover that the representative who placed our original connection order has mistyped the start date, to begin one year after the date we had requested.

We then attempted to connect to Uverse internet which was advertised to us as being 12 megabit. The technician and my husband (who is a software engineer) confirmed that after his install, we were only receiving less than half of the speed advertised. They both suspected it was the exterior line connecting to our house as we live in a 1904 Victorian. Further appointments were made for technicians to come out to fix the problem, and each time, my husband diligently put aside important work to be home during the large service windows. On every occasion, no technician arrived or called. This reoccured FIVE times, including last night after the window had closed at 10 p.m. When dispatch then assured him that they would send someone out right away, he waited up until 12:30 a.m. Once again, no one showed.

I see from your bio that you are a National Executive Board Member of the Boy Scouts of America. Perhaps it would be helpful to tell you that my great-grandmother Laverne Xxxxx Xxxxxxx in her role as General President of the Primary of the LDS Church was responsible for instituting the scouting program within the church and is probably responsible for more Boy Scouts than Baden Powell himself. Every time I write a check to your organization it comes from a checkbook with a cover given to her by the Boy Scouts. I’d consider it an honor to Laverne if you would make sure this matter is taken care of.

But I shouldn’t have to drop names or try to curry any favors. Your stated slogan is “Customer Service Guaranteed”. I’d like to call in that guarantee right now. My blog subscribers are watching.

Also, I think you ought to know that whenever a Senior V.P. calls my husband on a business related matter, at our house, or my parent’s house 45 minutes away, he has to step outside, not for privacy’s sake, but because he can’t get any reception on his AT&T iPhone. If I were you, I’d be personally embarrassed that this always has to be explained to Senior V.P.’s at Xxxxx.

I’d also be mortified as leader of your organization to be informed that one of the most heavily trafficked intersections by bloggers and techies in the America’s tech capital, San Francisco, is COMPLETELY without AT&T wireless service. Look into making wireless calls at 16th and Guerrero. It has always been that way. It’s a frequent topic of conversation at cocktail parties in this town.

I hope you will take it upon yourself to be assured that the issues affecting our family have been properly resolved. I’d also like some sort of token that we matter to you as as customers. I very much enjoy peonies. They aren’t currently in season, but I’m sure a man of your prowess can arrange something. No pun intended. I don’t want you actually to do the flower arranging yourself.

Most Sincerely,

Allison X. Xxxx

*Notice I made no mention of my disdain for discriminating practices within the BSA. One’s vinegar must be tempered with honey in these situations.

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5 Responses to Randall & Me

  1. Vickie Eastman says:

    Great letter! I hope you get phone service and flowers shortly!


  2. Follow-up? How did it turn out? I want to know if the name-drop helped, not because it’s a drop but because, man, what a name you’ve got there.

    • armuir says:

      Nothing yet. As I said, guys like this pretty much clear out of Dallas through the Summer. And I think there’s almost no chance that anything will come of it.

      And we still have 1/2 the internet speed we’re paying for.


  3. LOVE,LOVE, LOVE this letter!
    This is EXACTLY why I always have you proofread my letters prior to sending them.
    You are the master!

  4. Pingback: The Boy Scouts | Partial Disclosures

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